"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but its own wings. Always believe in yourself ."
"People will notice the change in your attitude towards them, but won't notice their behavior that made you change."
"Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat, lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you don’t have a plan."
"The fastest way to disengage an employee is to tell them their work is meaningful only because of the paycheck."
"The more you care about the outcome, the harder it feels to achieve. The less you care, the more naturally it comes to you."
"We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
"Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up."
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."