"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
"Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up."
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher."
"When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it, because whoever found it was spending less than she was."