5
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
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3
"My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills."
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3
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
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3
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
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3
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."
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3
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
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3
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
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3
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
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2
"You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the girl."
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2
"It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion of the ocean."
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2
"We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
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2
"Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
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2
"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up."
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2
"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong."
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2
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
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2
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
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2
"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."
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2
"Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?"
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2
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
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2
"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
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2
"It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on."
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2
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher."
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2
"When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it, because whoever found it was spending less than she was."
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1
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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1
"If you want to write fast software, use a slow computer."
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1
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
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1
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
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1
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
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1
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
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1
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
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